In Which Remus and Lily Nearly Go Mad
by Artemis Rampant
Summary: Remus and Lily find a certain two Marauders incredibly maddening. RLSB, JPLE. Rated T for inexpertly used British swears and lovesick teen ANGST.


**A/N: I'm a longtime reader of RLSB, but this is my first time really writing it. You know, except for all the drabbles I write instead of taking notes in math. Let me know how you like it! Don't be afraid to tell me I should be banned from the fandom for the rest of eternity, darlings, because these are things a fangirl should know. Enjoy your daily dose of fluff! **

"I hate that bloody flippy thing his hair does -"

"And his stupid glasses -"

"And those ridiculous Chucks he's had for _years_ -"

"And that _smile_ that makes me want to _hurt_ someone -"

"And how his shirts are always just a _little_ too tight -"

"And how he's always doodling _JPLE_ everywhere -"

"What?!" Remus threw his hands up. "Lily, what the _fuck_ are you doing angsting it out with me? The boy is obsessed with you! He'd probably marry you if you wanted! Go! Snog him!" He collapsed against the back of the couch, feeling odd after such an uncharacteristic outburst.

Lily went bright red and leaned back, arms folded. "I would if he wasn't such a bloody prick," she muttered.

The two stared across the room at the objects of their frustrations, who were currently regaling a dozen girls with the melodramatic details of the most recent Quidditch match. "How did Gryffindor end up with so many simpering sluts?"

"Not to be discriminatory, but if a great ugly troll came bashing through a wall right now, all of those girls would be hiding behind 'Jamie and Siri' within two seconds," Lily agreed.

Remus chuckled humorlessly. "And since those two are such bloody idiots, it'd be up to us to save everybody."

"Right on," Lily said, voice laced with sarcasm.

At that moment, Sirius sat up slightly from where he was lounging and stretched his arms above his head, twisting his torso back and forth. His t-shirt lifted to reveal a sliver of stomach just above his low-riding jeans. Remus groaned, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. He then proceeded to bash his forehead repeatedly against his palms. Lily gave him a pitying look and patted his back. "I'm sorry. That too-tight shirt thing _is_ a bit much to handle."

"Not just that," Remus said. "I mean, you don't have to live in the same room as Prongs. I see Padfoot in all stages of undress - really, the boy has no sense of propriety. And yet I have to pretend like I don't care, like I'm bloody asexual Moony like everyone thinks. Merlin, I _wish_ I was asexual, or at least straight goddamnit. My life is so fucking complicated."

"I do my fair share of pretending too, you know," Lily said. She pulled her knees up to her chest, looking so much more like a lost girl than the fiercely independent young woman she usually was. "Do you realize what would happen if my roommates found out I was even _considering_ giving in to him? Chaos! Nuclear explosions in the form of squealing and too much make-up and skimpy outfits and oh god, I just can't deal with that."

In the back of both their minds, there was a little voice screaming that they were behaving like petty teenagers, not like the most mature students in their year. But as they kept staring at the two boys, more and more angst-ridden thoughts came marching in, and the little voice was barely audible.

Remus tilted his head from his palms to peer at her. "You know, I was serious earlier." Serious. Sirius. _Ugh_. He tried again. "What I'm _trying_ to say is, you know, you should just go for it. Really. I've had to sit through hour-long lectures on your various virtues." Lily ducked her head, turning red again. "There's a lot less standing in your way than there is for me."

She groaned, but something in his words must have struck a chord, because she unfolded her legs and stood. "Remus, if fucking Potter makes me regret this, I'm blaming you."

His mouth fell open slightly. "Duly noted." He watched her as she stalked across the room, effortlessly parted the crowd of sluts, and yanked James out of the room by the wrist.

Sirius glanced around, suddenly nervous about the advancing pack. The look in some of those girls' eyes…well, Remus was glad he was a safe distance away. Sirius seemed to have the same idea, because he made some clearly lame excuse to the girls and sprinted over to sit with Remus.

"Hide me," he said, ducking to cower behind Remus's back. He rolled his eyes slightly, but gave the girls the best death glare he possibly could; it wasn't too difficult. He had to suppress a growl, actually, because that would be difficult to explain to his ridiculous friend.

The sluts glared back, but reluctantly turned away. "Called 'em off," Remus said.

"Merlin, thanks mate," Sirius said, straightening up. "So what were you and Lilyflower discussing? You ever notice how red she goes when she'd mad? I mean, her arms were blushing."

Remus shrugged with extra nonchalance. "I think I may have convinced her to admit to James that she likes him."

He blinked. "Really?"

"Yep."

"…No, seriously, tell me the truth."

"That was the truth."

Shaking his head, Sirius leaned back into the couch. "God have mercy upon his soul." Remus let out a short laugh.

They fell into silence for a few moments. Remus was hyper aware of how close they were sitting, though for Sirius it was probably a normal companionable silence. In any case, it didn't last for long, because pretty soon James and Lily stumbled back through the portrait hole.

James's hair was even worse than usual, and he smiled beatifically. Lily was still flushed, but now grinning rather than grimacing. She was about to head for Remus, but James pulled her back and took her by the waist, kissing her chastely in front of everybody. The room fell into shocked silence, and then burst into applause and wolf-whistles. Now both of them were bright red, but Lily managed to pull herself together and walk over.

She stood before the two of them, grinning. "Remus, _thank you_. Black, you don't get to say anything right now. I'm probably insane, could you tell? In any case, I've decided that it's your turn."

All the blood drained from Remus's face, and he was powerless to stop her. _Has she lost _all _sense of tact? Is Prongs already rubbing off on her?_

"Remus, anybody with two good eyes - _one_ good eye - can see that Sirius is in love with you. Except for you, obviously. Sirius, am I correct?"

His grey eyes widened. "I…well, you see, um…the thing is, I…maybe just…a tad?" He gave Remus a sideways glance, biting his lip.

"That's what I thought. And Sirius, I have it on good authority that Remus is indeed in love with you. There. Now that's sorted out." She nodded once. "I'll probably regret all this in the morning." James finally couldn't take any more, and pulled her away again.

The werewolf's head was spinning. He searched Sirius's face, frantically replaying the "a tad" in his head but unable to draw any conclusions. All he knew was that Padfoot had lost his confident gaze for the first time since second year, and the way his teeth worried his lower lip was maddening.

Of course, the entire room had been watching the whole spectacle. Anything featuring the Marauders and kissing was sure to be wildly popular with the Gryffindor throng. Out of the deathly silence of the room came a single, unidentifiable voice: "Kiss him, damn it!" And of course, the cheers rose up again.

Sirius's eyes set, once again looking like his normal, stupidly fearless self. His face moved alarmingly, impossibly closer, and he pressed his lips resolutely to Remus's.

Remus's emotions flipped like a deck of cards. He froze with shock; he groaned in the back of his throat and leaned closer; his eyes flew open and he jerked away. All eyes were on him, not just Sirius's penetrating stare, but the excited stares of a very busy common room. Panic. He jumped up, glanced around quickly, and flew out of the portrait hole.

He had assumed he would keep running after that humiliating escape, but for some reason Remus found himself pacing and muttering in the corridor outside the portrait. The Fat Lady was giving him a concerned look, but mounted no real objection to the madman parading about in front of her.

Sirius jumped out of the hole not seconds later. He watched his friend pace back and forth. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Moony, I'm sorry I…you know, back there in front of everyone. That wasn't -"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Remus muttered, growing louder with every word. He didn't stop walking or even look at Sirius at all. "I've tried so hard, you know that? For a - for a fucking _year_, you know, I've tried to keep it quiet, to look, look _normal_, but goddamnit, if you were in my position you wouldn't have lasted this long. You would've, you would've shagged me after the first week, I'm pretty sure, because you're _you_, but I'm not, and I can't, I just _can't_ -"

Sirius planted himself in front of the frantic werewolf. "You shut up," he said, grabbing his shoulder. "Do you think it's any easier on me? Do you think _I _have any bloody clue what I'm doing? All I know is that for some reason Evans has gone to the loony bin, and now we have to, um, make some decisions."

"Decisions?"

"Yes." Sirius nodded, liking the sound of the word. "And I've decided to do this." He kissed Remus on the corner of his mouth, pressing for a couple seconds before pulling back. "Your turn."

Eyes clouded, Remus's hand rose slowly to touch the spot. Then, his hand fell to Sirius's shoulder, and the decision was clear in his eyes. "Fine, Padfoot," he said, voice rough.

The two boys crashed together, drinking each other in, all fluttering hands and scraping teeth and hardness and softness and clumsiness. The Fat Lady just managed to escape from the scene before Sirius's back slammed against her portrait. Not that either of them noticed.

Remus ran his hands through that detestable flippy hair, pressed up against the stupid skintight t-shirt, felt one of the destroyed Chucks scrape down the side of his calf. Maybe he didn't hate all those things _so_ much.

**R&R SVP! **


End file.
